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Friday, November 6, 2009

I swear I'm not avoiding you....

Ok, maybe I am.

But out of guilt, not out of lack of topics or love.

Truth is, I'm swamped. I still haven't written my review, I've signed up to do NaNoWriMo and I'm so fucking far behind on that it's not even funny. To top it off, I took night shifts at job #2 for every night next week except Monday (because they didn't need me). Why you might ask? Cuz I'm a fucking moron who needs money so that she can get the fuck out of this shitty situation that is her life.

My only saving grace is A) they didn't need me Monday so I shall have time to go home and do laundry and, what's that thing again, oh yeah - SLEEP and B) H is working on Wednesday during the day this week (which I'm not sure if I mentioned it, but Wednesday is our mutual day off thanks to boss' who thought they were doing us a favour). My dilemma for that is: do I take the Wednesday day shift as well as the night? or do I go spend the time with Drako - yes we're back to speaking because as I've mentioned I have no pride - AT ALL. But, such is life right? I can't spend too much time being pissed off - time is just too short and any of us can be taken for any reason at any time. I know this from first hand experience. And despite my attempts to stay pissed off, righteousness is next to loneliness when it comes to me.

So, with that being said - I apologize greatly and promise to maybe get Miz Angell back in here for a guest post or to share some of her writing with us. It's the least I can do if you guys are still checking in.

Smooches, gropes, and hugs all around.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

call off the search....

I'm still alive.

Life has been hell. I can't even come close to describing the amount of shit I put up with on a daily basis.

EVERY fucking man in my life - from my father right down to my little brother and everyone in between - is either pissing me off, giving me attitude, or causing me to contemplate genocide via mass circumcision. Even if they've already had it done.

Bosses/general managers - assholes from hell, on BOTH jobs. My second job - the one I love - was the one I used to escape from reality and all the bullshit that follows.

So much for that safe haven.

I shall be back this weekend kids - some how, some way. I have a strap on review to post, and separation details to tell....and a whole bitch session in general to get off my chest.

Thanks for sticking around.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

i can't do this anymore.....

Telling y'all now - in the mood I'm in, any and all nasty comments will be deleted. I'm not in the mood for bullshit.



He fucked us up. Plain and simple.

Drako has fucked us up so badly and I don't know if I can come back from this.

I know that my heart is breaking so badly it feels like I’ll never have it back again. Friday, almost a week ago, we went out to karaoke with Amy. They had a few drinks and since I was driving, I held myself to a few at Amy’s place and then two at the bar.

Things were going great. When I got to D’s to pick him up, we had sex, and he held me and kissed me. It felt so right.

At the bar was when it all started falling apart.

I went downstairs for a smoke, and he soon followed. He said “I sent you two texts.” I didn’t feel my phone vibrate, but I got excited because of the last time he sent me texts at karaoke. The first one was something about how I sang with my second and fourth (or third) charkas – something he’s into these days. And the second one said “Let me go.” So I asked him what the hell he meant by that, and he said that the attraction didn’t go as deep as I thought it did.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

So I, understandably, got upset and went back upstairs where I told Amy what was said. Then she handed me the mike and said to sing for a bit, and she dragged him downstairs to read him the riot act.

Because, back in the day, at our bar, we used to kick out anyone who started any type of relationship drama or the like. There is no need for that shit to be brought up when we’re having a good time. He totally fucked up the night for us, and she’s still mad as hell at him.
So we left, and we drove Amy home. After dropping her off, we drove in silence for a few minutes and then I told him – “I can’t do this anymore. Whatever this is.” Because I CAN’T. Every fucking time shit like this has come out, it’s happened when he’s been drunk. He didn’t want to talk, but I told him he might as well get that shit out.

So at his place, we got out of the car and he asked me what I want. I told him flat out I wanted HIM. Next question was why was I trying with H then? And the answer was because he’s been pushing me away for awhile now.

Then he told me basically that he wants me to commit to him.

Ummm – WHAT? When you're not willing to commit to me, why should I? With all the bullshit that’s happened, you think those are the signs I was getting? He wondered why I hadn’t kicked H out. And I told him it was because we’re so far in debt and he really has nowhere to go right now. And I don’t HATE H. I’m not the type of person to do that to someone else, and if that’s the type of person you want me to be….

That was the gist of it.

The next day I had a wedding to go to, and had some time between the church and leaving for the reception. So I got him online briefly and asked him how drunk he was the night before. His answer was “Surprisingly drunk.”

That was the last I’ve heard from him.

It’s been almost six days. I’m NOT chasing him.

He has a LOT to make up for. I love him so much it’s killing me inside that this has happened yet again. But after chasing him the last few times, I’ve had it. He has to learn responsibility for his actions, and if he doesn't care enough to work at this, even work at a FRIENDSHIP, then I have to let go, like he said.

I’m not sure what hurts worse. The fact that he probably hasn’t noticed that I haven’t texted him in six days (after a regular schedule of texting twenty times a day), or the fact that he might have and just doesn’t think I’m worth the effort to text first.

If he just came to me and said “Baby, I’m sorry. Let me start making it up to you.” I might consider forgiving him. But he doesn’t know how to do that. And I refuse to make any more allowances for his Aspbergers. I gave him every out in the book - EVERY ONE. I gave him the chance on MORE than one occasion to tell me that he doesn't love me. Every time, he refused to take it. And what really sucks is that I've trusted him more than any man I've ever been with. I have no secrets from him. He's gotten more of me than anyone ever in my life, and he doesn't appreciate that. He doesn't appreciate me. And maybe he never will.

They say it takes two weeks to break a habit. And he might be a hard habit to break, but I have to. Because my heart can’t take much more of this.

Monday, September 21, 2009

sunday afternoon....

"I want to tear you apart...."

His blue eyes flashed intently, his hand grasping mine, as if to underscore his intent. His lips form the words to the music that is flowing from the speakers on his PC. Time slowed, even stopped, as I studied his beautiful mouth, remembering what it felt like, mere seconds earlier when he crushed his lips to mine, his tongue reclaiming his space in my universe. His hard on was visible through his track pants. His meaning, his desires, were quite clear.

My nipples hardened as I took a deep breath. His middle finger traced gentle circles on my palm, a contrast to the violent pulsating beat flowing through the room. He pulled me towards him, his other hand coming up behind my neck, running his fingers lightly down to my shoulder.

The wave of heat pulsing through me, the trickle of arousal snaking down my thighs, ...all these signs told me two things.

I would do anything he asked.

And...nothing's changed.

Monday, September 14, 2009

can you see me smiling?

Because he still loves me.

Drako that is.

Friday night, Amy, Drako & I went out to get dinner at a little Korean grill and then went out for karaoke. We had a good time, as we always do in each other's company. Although when Amy went to get drinks, she walked back in on the two of us making out, which elicited (is that right?) a response of "EWWWWW GUYS!" It was quite amusing actually. She really does get grossed out at the thought of us - merely cuz she's known him for so long and it's more like a brother/sister relationship.

Anyway, nothing naughty happened that night, unless you count Drako palming me through my jeans as I walked up the stairs ahead of him - which he always does.

But on the way home, I began talking about H & I, and how lately, I'm scared to leave the house. I don't know what's gotten into me. Honestly, there are days I feel like hurting myself. For lack of a better phrase. In reality, I know I won't. I'm not that selfish to do that to the ones I love.

But at his place, we stood and talked, and he said a few things to me that made me stop and think. Mainly, I need to take care of myself, and to hell with what happens between H & I. Life will go on if we split up. And Drako made it known that my life is important to him.

He held me, kissed me softly, and told me he loved me. I responded in kind, and then we both broke apart. Because it was getting back to what we were.

But he still loves me.

With everything going on .... shouldn't I feel guilty because that makes me so happy?

Because I don't. And THAT makes me feel guilty.

Friday, September 4, 2009

ok...ok...here it is.....

Sorry about my absence. I took the weekend and went shopping out of town with the family. Yes, H was there. Yes it was a bit of a nightmare, sleeping arrangements wise. But anyway....

For those who are wanting to know about my Wednesday with Drako, it proved to be very interesting and a true test of friendship.

A little set up here...

A few weeks ago, H sent a set of cock shots to myself and to a friend of ours who lives on the other side of the country. Now, back when we were just dating, H cheated on me with her. And then somehow - don't ask how - I got past it, and she was the second woman I went down on. Then she moved and we lost touch. About two years ago, thanks to Facebook, we got in touch again. Now, she's a very sexual person, as are H & I, so conversations tend to get kinky and steamy.

Now, the day I get the shots - along with a video of him jerking off - I decide to see if anyone else was graced with these photos. Sure enough, in his sent box, there was the email sending them to her. Fuming...and don't ask why - I never claimed feelings had any logic behind them - I asked him if he had sent them to anyone else. He lied and said no. Rather than confront him with the lie, I kept quiet about it. I tried not to let it bother me.

And for awhile, it didn't. But then, the Tuesday before my little rendezvous with Drako, we got into a fight, and he told me he's been brutally honest with me about everything and I was the liar in the relationship. I bit my tongue, but after an HOUR of hearing this self righteous bullshit fall from his lips, I spit out "Well what about the cock shots? You sent them to _______. I KNOW you did." And then I lied - "She told me." He took it in stride. Which should have been the first indication that it wasn't over.


~set up over~ (Psst Amy - you MIGHT NOT want to read this....LOL)


The next day, I go to Drako's in my long peasant skirt with the slit up the side, which, when turned to the back, exposes just below my ass. The perfect skirt for fucking in public, which is what I was hoping would happen on Drako's fire escape. I also had on a little white blouse with SNAPS instead of buttons. Yep, easy access every which way. In my purse was lube, my collar and chain, and my bondage tape. I had BIG plans for that day. I even was hoping to talk him into calling in sick for his shift, which would leave us free to fuck all day and all night.

I got there, walked in and he swept me up in a huge hug and kissed me hungrily on the lips. I smiled because I knew it was going to be a good day. I leaned over to pet the cat and almost fell on my head as he grabbed my hips and thrust his very hard cock against me. As I stood up, he took my hand and led me down to the bedroom, where I dropped my purse and turned to him. He pushed me back on the bed, jumping on top of me.

His hands immediately went to my blouse and ripped it open. The material hadn't even stopped moving and he already had his lips around my right nipple (the uber sensitive one) and was flicking the hard pebble with his tongue. I moaned out loud, revelling in the fact that I didn't have to bite my lip, or stifile myself with a pillow. I arched my back, trying to remove my bra - cuz any woman knows that popping boobs out of cups with underwire in them is NOT the most comfortable thing to do - and he hauled me up to a standing position, reaching under my skirt and pulling off the scrap of material that was passing for a thong. I started to slide my arms out of the blouse, when he stopped me. "Leave it on."

His voice was low, sending shivers through me. I removed the bra without taking the blouse off - a la Jennifer Beals - and dropped it to the floor. I then crawled back on the bed, my breasts free and clear of any obstructions, and my skirt up around my waist. He stripped down to his boxer briefs, which I LOVE because they show his beautiful cock so well, and returned to sucking my nipple. Only this time, his hand wandered down between my legs, stroking my clit. I gasped, my eyes closed, letting myself just enjoy his touch. No thoughts, no cares.

Between his tongue and his fingers, within minutes he had me coming hard. The toes-curling-back-arching-gasping-for-air kind of orgasm that doesn't happen often enough in my life. He lifted his head, planting little kisses up to my neck, and growling in my ear. My heart pounded, and my hand that was trapped between my thigh and his cock moved, caressing him the best I could with limited movement. He stood and removed his boxers. I sat up, reaching for him. I held his hard on, stroking it gently, watching his face as his eyes closed and his breathing became shallow.

I leaned forward, and just gently licked the head with the tip of my tongue. I heard a quick intake of breath, and smiled. I fed him into my hot mouth a little at a time, making sure that I licked every part of him. I reached up to play with his balls - they were heavy and tight. My head bobbed further and further down his shaft until I could feel him hit the back of my throat. I stayed there, holding that position, contracting my throat muscles. I don't know if it did anything special for him, but hey, I gave it a shot.

He pulled out of my mouth, and yanked me to my feet. He turned me around, and pushed me over the bed. Entering me from behind, I yelped as he rammed into my waiting pussy. I was wet, and he slid in easily. It felt so good, like (pardon the pun) coming home again. He fucked me, slowly and hard at first, and then fast and furious. He warned me this was going to be a quick one, but I didn't care. After all, we had all day.

He leaned over me, grabbing my tits and tweaking the nipples. I moaned loudly, as he went faster, hitting just the right spot. "Oh my God...I'm coming." I groaned. As waves of pleasure ran through me, I could feel my come running down the insides of my thighs. I collapsed forward as he continued to pummel me, and I rode that wave as far as I could. When he was ready, he pushed me out of the way and lay down next to me, jacking his cock with one hand, and grabbing my hair with the other. He thrust my head down on his purple head, and I barely had time to adjust before hot jets hit my tongue. I swallowed as fast as I could.

Afterwards, he kissed me. He always does after I swallow, and I think it's one of the sexiest things any guy could ever do. As we lay next to each other, his fingers lazily brushing against my nipples, and my clit beginning to quiver again, we realized that we were famished. He was supposed to cook breakfast, but we were just to eager to get fucking.

(this is where the initial set info comes in)
So he went into the kitchen to start cooking, and I played around on his computer for a bit. When my phone buzzed, I thought nothing of it. It was a message from H. It went along the lines of "So you sent those pics to ____?" and I couldn't figure out where the hell he got that from. So I sent him back one that said "No I didn't."

The long and the short of it is, he confronted our friend about telling me about the shots. Now, she didn't know that I'd said she told me, so she was rather befuddled. I had sent her an alert over Facebook that the shots were coming so she wouldn't be shocked when she opened it. Plus it pissed me off. Granted, she knows what his cock looks like,but still.

I don't want to get into major details, but his privacy has been an issue for awhile now. So he knows I've been checking his email for anything incriminating. But he's had no proof. Until I opened my mouth. Then he had to track it to see if it was true, because he wants to know who he can trust. Um EXCUSE ME? Anyway, she didn't take the hit for me, instead showing him the fb messages where I warned her they were coming. She got incredibly mad at me because I threw her under the bus. And I agree - friends don't do that to one another. But she also knew what state of mind he was in with regards to me checking his email. She knew that it would probably be over if he caught me. Be mad at me for lying about you, but also, if the situation is that dire - take the hit for a friend. God knows in my time I had to take many for others. But she had to do what was right by her. I don't condemn her for that.

It wound up with me alternating between yelling and crying at him over my cell phone, him telling me that our marriage is over at least eight times, and two hours of my time with Drako. When I did manage to get off the phone briefly (twice) I laid on Drako's bed and he just held me, stroking my hair, kissing the back of my neck, and telling me everything was going to be ok, one way or the other. I smiled through my tears - regardless of what's gone on with us, my best friend was back.

I found it incredibly hysterical that I was standing, mostly naked, in my lovers living room yelling at my husband. But that killed the day for us, and I didn't even consider asking him to call in sick for his shift. Instead, we both got dressed, and I dropped him at work. He leaned over to kiss me goodbye, asking if I wanted to hang out for a bit after he changed into his uniform. I told him it was ok, that I really should just get home.

Anyway, the end of the story is I got ONE good fucking out of the day. And fucked over pretty bad.

However, H is still at home. And Drako and I have a raincheck on that day - we will make it up.

Count on it.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

on anonymous comments....

To the nice person who left an anon comment on my last post:


I know that not all anon comments are nasty, and that some people just choose not to have a google account. I also know that I am the one putting my life out there, and yes, there are going to be a whole bunch of jackass' that have nothing better to do than make themselves feel better by putting someone else down.


My settings are on comment moderation, however, I do allow the comments for the most part simply because, hell, if someone took the time to write it, it should be seen. And just like it's their right to NOT agree with my blog, lifestyle, choices, etc. it is also MY right to not agree with the names I get called.


That being said, I do think that if you're going to trash someone you don't even know, you should at least have the courage to sign the post. But that's just my opinion.


But I thank you for stopping by, and I regret that you had to remove yourself from view because of a stalker.

Guess WHAT? YES...another post is coming. And it's almost done. And BOY is it a doozy.

STAY TUNED.