i should be celebrating....

it's OVER. The wedding is done and I should be dancing a jig. It has consumed my life for the last three months and now I don't have to worry about dresses and parties and gifts and co-ordinating.


WHEW.


But unfortunately it leaves me lots of time to contemplate what's going on with Drako. Or should I say what's NOT going on with Drako. Because he did the one thing guaran-damn-teed to piss me off.


Forgot my birthday.


Now, back in the days before Facebook and computers...it might be excusable. But this time around? No. And the worst part is that I don't know if he even forgot, because not only did I drop a TON of hints, and even came out and SAID it was my birthday and I wanted to see him, but he didn't mention it at all.

My facebook page blew up with all my friends leaving messages for me. I play on an online forum that tells my friends when my birthday is (he's a member as well). I was going into the city on Friday to do some last minute wedding business and I called him and told him I'd like to meet for lunch because I wanted to see him ON MY BIRTHDAY. We ate lunch, I drove him to the subway station. Not ONCE did he even say a damn thing about it.

And over the weekend, not one text. Not. One.

I'm pretty sure I've had it. I'm tired of being the only one making an effort in this relationship, friendship or otherwise. It's been almost three weeks since we've been intimate with each other. And I'm TIRED of being broke, and yet I'm the one always reaching for my wallet.

I want to be treated like a girlfriend. And I'm so tired of always being there for him when he's upset, but he's never there for me.

I can't do this much longer. Hell, I'm not even sure I want to. The trouble is, I really do love him. My heart is breaking at the thought of telling him it's over, and I'm trying desperately not to cry. I know that if we were to break up, he wouldn't fight for me to come back, because he doesn't know how to operate in normal relationships.

See, the one thing I haven't mentioned about Drako is that he's got Aspbergers. Now, I know it's a form of autism that affects a persons ability to function "normally" and it truly affects his relationships. He was taking classes to help him deal with it, and they were teaching him how to deal with it in the workplace. His councellor was supposed to be helping him deal with his relationship issues, but he had to stop going to her because of his work schedule. I've held on, tempering my anger at things because I know that he's not able to comprehend why I'm upset sometimes. It just doesn't click. One night at the bar, back when we were first together(and before we knew what was wrong with Drako) some slimy french guy came up and started talking to us. So I figured I'd try to make him jealous - play a little game. Absolutely NO response, and this guy totally creeped me out.

When I asked him later what he would have done if I'd decided to leave with the other guy, his response was "Nothing." I asked if he would even fight for me to stay, and he said "No." because he wouldn't have the first clue how to do it. Once Lila explained to me the problems, I started doing things differently. I used to go all emo and cry, and so I started to be calm and talk things through logically. Most of the time, he would get it that way. But I don't want to slow things down now. And I'm TIRED of being logical. The only time I EVER get anything out of Drako about us is when he's drunk and that's never good.

H is almost out of the house. Despite things going well, we're still going to separate. We need space.

And I need someone who's going to treat me like his girlfriend, not just a friend with benefits. Cuz right now, the only one benefitting is him - and it's just not fair.